Infertility, but Sunday’s Coming

Exactly 46 weeks ago I broke the silence of our infertility to rest of the world via instagram. I spoke it. I named it. I shared our story – and that was 2 years after carrying it in silence, aside from family & close friends. I sit here with my coffee cup in hand, once again, and I am reminded that today represents a day of waiting. Today is the Saturday in between Good Friday and Easter. It is day of silence, hurt, and devastation; yet it is a day of hope reserved only for those who know what tomorrow holds. Even if you’re not walking the road of infertility, I think you just might find hope in the words that I am sharing this day.

Just last night, appropriately so, I sat in my closet with the door shut (like any good Christian prayer warrior) and sobbed. I sobbed because of the emotions of Good Friday and I sobbed because just two weeks ago I was told “we are not encouraging anyone to get pregnant during this time,” by a nurse at our infertility specialist. Two weeks ago, the timing was perfect (by my standards). My husband and I were finally at the point where we had the finances to schedule an IUI (intrauterine insemination), and I wouldn’t have to take off work to do so due to my work COVID-19 schedule. It was all lining up, and I just knew this was it.

Except, it wasn’t.

Why cry two weeks later? Well, be assured the waterfall was falling on that day, but two weeks later would have not only been Good Friday, but the peak day to conceive. And we couldn’t. You see, pregnant women are highly susceptible to the coronavirus, and while the doctors have no say over the extra curricular activities of their patients, Derek reminded me, out of love, that it was not wise to have any of those extra curricular activities during this time, due to the risk. I was sad. I was angry. Yet, at the same time, there was a little ounce of faith telling me that he was right – they were right. I guess you could say that it was the size of a mustard seed. Oh how I hate knowing, all too well, the exact measure of that darn mustard seed.

Friends, I’ve followed Jesus personally for seventeen years – I know God has a plan for me. I know I will have children. I know specifically that I will bare some of those children in my own womb, but probably not all of them. Faith tells me so and I do, wholeheartedly, believe that. However, I am human and humans have real, unavoidable feelings. That’s why scripture tells us to not trust or lean into our feelings.

“Whoever trusts in [her] own mind is a fool, but [she] who walks in wisdom will be delivered.”

Proverbs 28:26

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”

Proverbs 3:5

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

Our hearts cannot be trusted because they are constantly changing and we are humanly sinful. We are called to lean into faith and not our feelings.

For we live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

Here’s the deal though, as much faith as I have, my feelings must be dealt with on a constant basis. I believe that we need to feel our feelings – acknowledge them – take the time to name them – and then bring them to Jesus’ feet. Sometimes we need to pull in others to help us deal with those feelings – friends, trusted mentors, pastors, therapists, etc. That’s what I did last night in my closet. I gave myself time to hurt, to grieve and cast them before Jesus. I’ve learned that if I don’t do this, I’ll only hurt more. If I just brush it off to “Jesus has got this,” then I’m not being truthful with myself, and it’s false hope. It’s fake faith.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SATURDAY

Being honest, I hate waiting. I am a do-er. I am the president of the GSD committee. I get “stuff” done (and sometimes that “S” stands for something else – again, I’m human). If I can achieve it, I will. I’ve always gotten good grades, won awards and scholarships, and watch out world if this girl says she’s going to do something. Watch even harder if someone tells her she can’t. It’s just a fact. I’m very much a Peter in that sense. Peter thought he could control Jesus; he thought he could tell Jesus what was and wasn’t going to happen based on some of the somber things that Jesus said. Jesus’ response? “Get behind me Satan.“

The truth about Saturday is this: it was stuck in between Friday and Sunday on purpose. God could have easily raised Jesus from the dead a few minutes later like an episode of The Vampire Diaries, but God knew that the meaning would be different if the people had to wait – if they had to sit with their pain – if they had the opportunity to forget everything Jesus had promised – if they had to spend time remembering their walk with him. There was nothing that Jesus’ loved ones and followers could do to control it. It was God’s plan all along. Friends, whatever “Saturday” you are facing right now, you cannot control it. The timing belongs to God, and the best thing you can do is pray for the patience you need and never lose hope that “God will never leave you or forsake you” (Deut. 31:6). The timing is a part of your story (I have to keep telling myself that as I tell you).

OUR SATURDAYS

Our Saturdays are typically different; our Saturdays are usually much longer than one day. Saturday is a symbol for what all of us will endure at least one time (if not a zillion times) in our lives. I believe that Paul knew what he was saying when he chose “patient” to be the first word of choice in the 1 Corinthians 13 list. Love is patient was the intro to the famous passage of Scripture, meaning above anything, if patience isn’t something you’re willing to endure, then stay far away from love. Romans 12:12 states,

Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

When you’re feeling hopeful, rejoice. When your heart is troubled, be patient, and yet still rejoice. Whatever you’re feeling…keep on praying. Remember, feel your feelings (and don’t ever apologize for them), but don’t put your trust in them.

Here’s a little parody to S.M. Lockridge’s famous sermon “It’s Friday, but Sunday’s Coming.”

• If you’re sad, that’s okay, Sunday’s coming.
• If you’re disappointed, that’s okay, Sunday’s coming.
• If you’re discouraged, that’s okay, Sunday’s coming.
• If you’re angry, that’s okay, Sunday’s coming.
• If you’re over Friday and Saturday and just want Sunday, it’s okay, it’s coming.
• If you’re jealous that others’ Sunday’s are already here, that’s okay, yours is coming.
• If you wonder “why me,” and “it’s not fair”, don’t give up, your very own Sunday’s coming.
• If you start to lose faith and wonder “what’s the point,” don’t lose hope, Sunday’s coming!
• If you can feel the dawn of Sunday coming, but it’s still Saturday, it’s okay, it’s coming!
• If you continue to fall back into the pain of Friday don’t worry, it’s okay, Sunday’s coming.
• If you have no feelings except that of being stuck, it’s okay, Sunday’s coming.

Ever felt anything like this? I sure have. The very reason I type those specific bullet points are because those are my exact feelings on a dreadful loop. Those are the things that I’ve wrestled with for three years of infertility. Doctors have told me “you’re textbook perfect and so is your husband.” We’ve done all of the tests, we’re tried all of the tricks, we’ve prayed all of the prayers, and yet, here we are: childless.

Here are MY specifics of those bullet points.

• Disappointed – We put in the work but got unfavorable results.
• Discouragement- We had a perfectly laid plan and moved heaven and earth to stick to those plans. We sacrificed time, energy, and money to make sure those plans work out in our favor. Yet, we still don’t have the results we want.
• Angry– We carry this hurt around and people make it worse. They say things like “why haven’t you had a baby yet, it’s about time, you’ve been married for years.” Books, movies, tv shows and a few lucky people make it hard for the rest of us who struggle. While there’s an expectation of immediate fertility, we are over here grieving what we can’t have. It’s like telling someone who just lost a loved one, “are you kidding? Suck it up, buttercup. You should feel better by now.” With all the kindness in the world, you suck it up. You suck up those words you’re about to say because they’re not helpful. Even the kindest words of “it’s not your time yet,” or “Don’t worry God has a plan,” are hurtful. It’s insulting. We know God has a plan. We believe that, but your words are hurtful. They give us a unhelpful and unnecessary sense of urgency and we don’t need that. Thanks but no thanks. For the love of all humanity, people, especially good hearted Christians, just pray for us and stop placing your expectations on us, assuming we have none of our own.
  • Don’t Say:
    • “Relax”– some of us, while infertile, also have anxiety disorder. Telling us to relax is like telling the darkest of clouds not to rain. It’s pointless. It causes more stress on us.
    • “Enjoy not having kids while you can”– Complaining about parenthood in front of a couple who are trying to get pregnant is certainly not helpful, though you may think it brings comfort. We aren’t naive. We know that having kids will bring more stress on our wallets, schedules, and overall brain capacity, but we are ready for that challenge and we pray for it every day. Someone could be praying for the very thing you have been complaining about, so choose your words wisely. Women have complained about their pregnancies in front of me (normal and excusable but nonetheless cruel–know. your. audience before speaking).
    • “You’re still young, you have plenty of time“- This usually comes out of a place of comfort, but it’s actually super false. Some women have shorter fertility windows (or none at all), so age (or length of marriage) is not always an accurate factor.
    • “At least you haven’t had a miscarriage”– My heart absolutely breaks for those who have suffered such a loss. It’s devastating and it’s something I cannot imagine; however, don’t assume the death of a child is worse than no child at all.
    • “Just adopt”– Ahem. First of all, there is no such thing as “just” adopting. Adopting is a beautiful risk and takes such courage on both birth parents and adoptive parents, not to mention the child. It takes emotional strength, the utmost teamwork, extreme financing and/or fundraising, time off from work/family to endure & finalize adoptions, and tons and tons of attacks from the enemy. For my friends who have adopted, I give them the utmost respect. Second of all, don’t assume that just because someone doesn’t wish to adopt first means that they don’t wish to adopt. My husband and I plan to adopt and will have no preference in who that child is when he or she comes to be ours, but I am clinging to the promise that I will carry a child, and I have a feeling that it will be first. Third of all, please read the next point.
    • “Some of friends of mine adopted and immediately got pregnant, because their body relaxed, so you could try that.” – Gosh this is such a beautiful story and I rejoice with those who have adopted and then got the news of a pregnancy. What an amazing double blessing; however, this can come across like a magic formula that is annoying to those of us that are infertile. I’ve heard this one about six times, and all were out of love and comfort, I know that. They are all amazing stories of God’s grace, but be careful in your words to not brush someone’s pain off to “try this, it will work.”
    • “Well, maybe it’s not your time to be parents, or maybe you’ll be parents in a different way.” Friends, you are not God, please don’t tell us what we’re meant to do. End of story.
  • Do Say:
    • “Do you two want children?” This can open up a window of conversation and allow the one in pain to process that pain with the one asking. It shows no assumption or expectation that the couple should or can be pregnant.
    • “How can I pray for/support you (and your partner)?” You never know what someone’s Saturday might be. This gives them the opportunity to let you in and get involved in their Saturday.
    • If you know days or times that might bring all the feelings of “Saturday”, say “I’ve made us plans. I’ll pick you up at (said time).” – My girlfriends have rocked at this. They’ve taken me shopping, they’ve dropped off Halloween baskets of goodies at my door and they’ve prayed for me constantly. They’ve cried with me and for me. Some friends have memorized my lady cycle and know when to say and do the right things. Be this person to your people and help them enjoy their “Saturday.”
• Jealous– This one is tough to admit, but I get so jealous of others’ pregnancies. Trust me, almost all of my friends have children, and I love their babies as my own. One of my best friends of 20+ years gave me a godson and he is one of my all-time favorite people. I cherish my facetime dates with him more than most things. What kills me is when I see the news of someone’s pregnancy who wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Even worse if it’s their second, third, fourth, etc. child. While I am so happy for all of those who get the joy of a pregnancy and childbirth, I am jealous and angry out of my humanity. I start to say things like “why them God, they already have children,” or “why them God, they’ve never walked the straight and narrow and I have my own life.” Before long I hear the older brother’s tone (Luke 15) in my own voice and I’m convicted. Nonetheless, I must deal with my feelings as real and ask God to see through God’s eyes. I must remember that just because I “ask something in God’s name,” doesn’t mean an immediate (or actual) result. Though John 14:13 says that we can do this, what we ask for must be in line with God’s will and timing.
• Over it– If you try hard at something and always fail, you will eventually be “done” in your mind, though in your heart you know you’re not truly done until you get your result.
• Hopeful– Remember that faith the size of a mustard seed? It’s always there and will remain there to get me out of my own head and in God’s.
• Hurt– I keep putting myself (and Derek) through repeated disappointment.
• Waiting– I know that one day, Sunday is coming and we will get news of a little precious miracle, I just need to be expectant.

Want to know something that gives me peace and keeps me in that last time period of waiting before looping back to disappointment? Easter.

Jesus knows (and can relate to) dissapointment, discouragement, anger, jealousy, being “over it,” hope in the Creator, back to hurt, and waiting. Cue holy week. Heck, even as a child, he knew that he would have to wait 33 years for his mission to be accomplished. He could have easily ditched his humanity and decided to come as fully God and not fully human, but our God wanted to feel what we feel so that that same God could send us the exact comfort that we needed on our Saturdays via God’s sweet Holy Spirit.

The only thing I’ve ever known I’d be when I “grow up,” without a shadow of a doubt, is a mother. God put that promise over my heart and I have to cling to it on Saturday, for however many days that Saturday lasts (Hebrews 11:11).

So my sweet friend, what is your Saturday? Maybe infertility isn’t your story, but it’s something else. Maybe your storm looks different than mine, or maybe my words, in fact, are your own. Nonetheless, the Bible says that “though my sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

Your (Easter) morning is coming, and so is mine.

Can we just rejoice in that? For every fear we have, there is an empty grave, because the risen One has overcome (to quote Elevation worship). If you ever need a friend who you can turn to that resonates with a Saturday, turn to Jesus. If you need a human version, message me. I’ll listen and love you, exactly where you are.

Saturday stinks, I know, but Sunday’s coming!

Further Reading:

• John 16:33
• Romans 5:3-5
• Deuteronomy 8:2